weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize