Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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