I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
