i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
What drink are we having for lunch?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
