Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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