Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
