his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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