My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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