i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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