What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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