I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize