i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
