i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
