dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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