based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
