im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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