saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
