dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
