i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
