Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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