Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
