We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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