i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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