someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
