I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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