Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
