You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
