I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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