sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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