Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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