WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize