i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
