I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
