Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
