I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
