Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
