I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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