She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
