Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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