this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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