first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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