it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
