Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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