i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
