me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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