FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
