booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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