I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
