I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
