I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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