Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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