omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
