I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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