Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
