You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
