Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
