hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
