I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
