this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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