why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
