Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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